Sunday morning: I have been with my Mom for six and a half months now. I have to admit the first three months went along pretty well (she was still able to communicate with me in an adult rational manor). The second three months went downhill very fast. She started slipping in and out of the ability to make her exact wishes known to me, and of course she would get frustrated and lash out in anger. Not understanding I took the things she did and said as a personal affront against me. So what did I do, I lashed back at her with more of my own anger. All that did was turn into a yelling match between both of us. We started turning against each other and we were learning to hate one another (even though at one time we were like sister's). I realize now that my lack of understanding did nothing but make our situation go from bad to worse. I came up the day before Halloween thinking I would be here only for the weekend. I wasn't prepared for the events that were going to take place in the next few days. We all knew that my Dad was getting weaker each day and was slowing down, what we didn't expect was the fact that he was harboring a very severe blood infection. He was taken to the hospital the next morning and passed away suddenly five days later. My Mother had already been silently battling her disease for over two years but was still able to communicate with me somewhat. I didn't realize just how sick she was. Having never had any experience with Alzheimer's I had no idea what to expect. I have been doing a lot of reading and listening to my friend and family. The reason my Mom and I were living in such a hellish state was not my Mom's doing but my lack of understanding. As we go through the next few months of our journey I will try and share my thoughts and feelings with whomever may read this.
What I was not understanding is the complex thought process of the human mind. When a person goes into the different levels of the decease the part of the brain that use to keep the person here in the present is no longer functioning normally (the frontal lobe). They don't perceive time as we do in the past, present, and future. As a result of that they become more in tune to their inner senses. They allows them to live more in a spiritual level within their brain. They can sense and feel thing's we may not be able to always perceive. I myself am very open to the paranormal and am trying more to understand what she is feeling when she seems deep in thought. She doesn't anymore than I do, understand what is going on in her head. I knew that at times she really feels a loss of control because she can no longer function on her own because of the memory loss. Losing control of one's life can be very frightening. She at times becomes very agitated and angry. Before I started to understand her situation I would be angry and frustrated and lash back. You have to remember that I was angry that my Mom as I remembered her is no longer here. That made me very angry and frustrated myself. I was here living with someone who looked like my Mom but certainly didn't act like her. I was responding to this new person that I couldn't get along with. As a result we started to build up walls between us. She was no longer Mom but soon became the enemy. We lashed out at each other constantly. I became her enemy as much as she became mine. She resented that I as her daughter and caregiver turned into the parent. I was so busy trying to see that she was safe and that her physical needs were met that I forgot to still think of her as my Mom and that special person that was trapped inside her head. I was just thinking of poor me and how selfish she has become. I didn't stop to think that all she was trying to do is to regain some of the control of her life she felt she was losing. In a sense of the word I was the one being selfish. As my Sister so well put it, "you make everything about you". At that time I was truly the one being selfish.
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